I want to feel like this.
Or this.
No, I don't want to
be Jen or Jessica. I said
feel like them. I'd love their fortune, but I like being me just fine. They are comfortable with their bodies and can just
be . . . without the constraints that come with self consciousness. Their
real bodies are not covered by the effects of emotional eating or stress. They are experiencing total body
freedom.
I've never been skinny. Whatever that looks like. My mom's rich, homemade casseroles and unfortunate metabolic DNA made me a slightly chubby but active kid. I was a size twelve when I graduated from high school. Although not obese by any means, I was never really comfortable in my own body.
I've always felt like a skinny person
inside, but a chunky monkey
outside.
Prior to becoming pregnant with my son, my inner athlete came out. I woke up naturally at 5 a.m. and starting walking several miles before work. Then walking became jogging. Without meaning to, I became a toned, fit size 6. Fitness looked really good on me. To this day I don't know how much weight I lost, but it never really mattered because I felt
so good. After my son was born in May 2000, I slowly but surely lost most of the baby weight and was back down to a size 8 by that Halloween. It helped that I worked at a YMCA.
For many years my weight yo-yoed. My pants would get tight then I'd get it under control. When I met my husband at 23, I was a size 10 who worked out with a friend at least three days a week.
L❤ve, however, was
not kind to my waistline.
I met an amazing guy who also happened to be a foodie. He ate what he wanted, and I followed suit. By the time we married in 2006, I was unhappily a size 16. And my weight has only gone up from there. But I'm done. Done with being fat. With not looking the way I want to in clothes. Done denying my inner athlete. I know she's in there somewhere. The girl that desperately wanted to be an Olympic swimmer. The one that still wants to be a runner.
I've lost weight before. It's not rocket science. Calories in versus calories out. I also know that genetics are not on my side. Neither is my hectic, often stressful life. And entering my senior year of college will be no exception, as I'm feeling more pressure than ever to excel. I do pretty well during the week when it's just my son and me, but things tend to fall apart on the weekends when we are out being foodies.
A friend of mine lost a considerable amount of weight a few years back, and she has always said her personal trainer made all the difference in her weight loss. I am similar in that I need the push
and accountability. A membership to my college's gym is included in my student fees, and it is a great facility. However, it can be hard to get a machine during the week and the "personal trainers" are actually students learning to be personal trainers. I'm not too keen on either of those things.
So here is my dilemma: Join a private gym and hire one of their personal trainers, or try an at-home program that will give me consistent results and keep me motivated?
I've heard snippets on Facebook touting the toughness of P90X and the muscle-exhausting nature of Insanity. But can they really get the job done? And can I commit that much time to it while at home where I'm surrounded by neglected laundry, a full DVR and mother's guilt at the fact that that hour isn't being spent giving Jared my undivided attention? If I'm really honest with myself, I probably won't be able to stick with them.
 |
| I'd be sooo skinny. |
I'm someone who has to maintain consistency in both food
and exercise. If I'm exercising often, I eat better. If I eat better, I exercise more often. It's a weight loss snowball effect. Only I look less like a snowball.
So in the end, I know I need a personal trainer. I like the less expensive options, but unless those guys can come to my house and train me in person, the DVDs are probably going to end up collecting dust in my basement after a bit. Buying a membership when I have a gym available to me makes me cringe. It feels indulgent and wasteful. But if I want to change the way I look and feel, I have to be willing to make the investment. My husband didn't even blink at the prospect. I'm lucky that way.
I have a gym picked out and a friend of mine recommended one of their personal trainers. I'm hoping to talk them out of an initiation fee since we will be moving in less than two years and I will be utilizing their personal training services at an additional cost. Getting a deal would help ease my trepidation. Ultimately, I hope to discover a sustainable program that I can continue on my own indefinitely. Teach-a-man-to-fish and all that. I will keep you updated . . .
Thoughts? Experiences?
P. S. After writing this post, I came across this picture:
It speaks the truth. My motivation to improve the way I look and feel stems from self love. Self loathing would keep me where I'm at. We all have phases in our lives . . . and this is just one of mine. Now it is time for a new one.
I will look back on this as a learning experience, one that made me more compassionate of others while paving the path to self awareness.
