Why Reagan Was a Rad President

Sunday, July 1, 2012

I was born in 1980. My husband says I should have been born in 1970 so that I could have enjoyed it more. Man is he right. Economic collapse and the HIV epidemic aside, this was the greatest decade in United States history. Our president was a hot western movie actor. Need I say more? Those who were born later will never, ever fully understand the greatness that comes with rocking a side pony, legwarmers and rollerskates while listening to Wham on a ghetto blaster. My heart really goes out to you 1990s babes. We can still be friends.

So clearly I am not ashamed to own the 10 disc "Absolutely 80's" collection. After my "Love Album" tape turned to sawdust a few years ago, my husband (the amazing man that he is and fellow 80's child) searched the internet and remade the entire album for me. He said it nearly killed him, but I know deep down he was moved by Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You." Nope, Whitney didn't invent that song. Neither did Kevin Costner.

The following is a list of the best things about the 80's. Give me a break, okay? It's Saturday night and I am feeling a little nostalgic after hearing "Heart to Heart" by Kenny Loggins on my iPhone during the drive home. From a Bread concert. Just kidding about the last part.

Jem and the Holograms

I wanted to be her sooo bad. Who wouldn't? In fact, I still kind of do. Jerrica, the music company owner by day, becomes Jem by night via a magic star earring. Hello. Every girl's dream. Do you think my husband would have me committed if I started rocking cotton candy pink hair and long lace gloves? Naw.

The aforementioned side pony tail. Boy did I rock those. With ribbon, apparently. And that pony couldn't be tamed, even with, count them, four elastics. Shazam. As if to add to the greatness, my brother is holding a Gremlin. This picture screams "1980s!"

I asked Mario, "What was something really great about the 80s?" His immediate response? "Mary Lou Retton!" Now this is an interesting tidbit I didn't know about my gentleman friend. Was it her pageboy haircut or four foot tall stature? Or the fact that she was clearly getting bikini waxes by the age of ten? I guess it doesn't matter, really. See, this blog is super helpful! I am learning all kinds of neat gems about my husband.

Legwarmers. What else can I say? Olivia Newton-John, you rock my world. Let's get physical.

The Golden Girls

This should really be at the top of the list. Blanche, Rose, Dorothy and Sophia were some great gals. I still want my retirement to look just like this. No ladies, thank you for being a friend.

Dorothy: I'd kill Gloria if she wrote a book about my sexual life.
Sophia: You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?
Dorothy: Shut up, Ma!

Sophia: My heiny is asleep.
Dorothy: Fine, we'll keep our voices down.

Rose: He was a professor at a college.
Cheeseman: Rose, I don't believe it.
Rose: Oh, it's one of the few places they have professors!

Rose: This reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, stop! Rose, why is it that every time one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is 'Back in St. Olaf?' I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe we're tired of hearing 'Back in St. Olaf,' 'Back in St. Olaf,' 'Back in St. Olaf?'
Rose: Gee, no, I, I'm sorry.
Dorothy: Oh, that's okay.
Rose: (after a pause to think) Back in that town whose name you're tired of hearing...
Dorothy: ROSE!

Okay, okay. I'll stop. But I really could go on forever. Thank goodness this show is still in syndication. I am also lucky to have my awesome friend Jenn who can go tit for tat with me on Golden Girls quotes. I'm pretty sure I have maxed out my text message allowance doing so.

The boys got He-Man and us girls got She-Ra. She made him look like a pansy. Did he ride a pegasus? That's what I thought.

I still have my Puffalump collection tucked away in my basement. Don't be jealous. You can come by and check out their awesomeness anytime.

Tiffany and Debbie Gibson

These girls were one class act. They make Christina look bitchy and Britney like a redneck who goes barefoot in gas station bathrooms. Plus, neither one of them went batshit crazy and shaved their head. To my knowledge. I haven't done a lot of research.

Do your CDs ever do this, requiring you to manually wind it back in with your finger; using up precious hours of your life? A big part of my childhood were the cassette tape tumbleweeds rolling around the side of the highway. I also enjoyed rewinding and fast forwarding. It was like a musical crapshoot.

Who didn't love getting scared shitless by a zombie Michael Jackson? As if he wasn't scary enough in real life. Geesh. But seriously, this whole album rocked my world and now does the same for little man. RIP, M.J.

I never made anything dirty then lit it up. Never. And you can't prove otherwise.

Before Tickle-Me-Elmo, these freakish dolls are what mothers used to rip each others faces off for on Christmas Eve. In Kmart. Is a cabbage a metaphor for lady parts? I'm still confused.

This post could truly go on forever. But I cannot. I have a bedtime, you know. So the rest of my post will be a montage of 80's greats:

...and My Little Pony, and The Smurfs, and Strawberry Shortcake, and The Little Mermaid, and...oh, I must stop.

I'll finish with the oh-so-sexy David Bowie and my favorite movie. Just know that my love of the 80s is not confined to the contents of this post.  It runs deep, yo. Goodnight, dear friends.

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