That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

 Friedrich Nietzsche

Holy moly! This girl has been MIA. Sorry about that. I had a full-blown meltdown last week and needed a break, I suppose. Even though this humble little blog is my creative outlet, I didn't feel like putting finger to keyboard. I find that when I force myself to post even though I'm brain-fried, the content is rather uninspired. But I have to be careful not to let a hiatus drag on too long because I'd hate to lose my mojo. So here I am. Inspired. Rested. Less nuts.

Last Wednesday was finals day. Starting at 8a I had three nearly consecutive exams. I woke up anxious but prepared. Husband was in California golfing working hard, so I was flying solo. Instead of sensing my need for a smooth morning, Kiddo took 35 minutes to get dressed. Then halfway through our morning commute he informed me that he'd left his homework on the table. You know, the one that took 2 hours to get through the night before. 

I can't say for sure what happened, but I broke. There were sobs that sounded like they were coming from someone else. Or a wild animal. There was a profanity-laced tirade. There was so much mascara streaking down my face, I looked like I was on my way to a Marilyn Manson concert. It was ugly. And disappointing. But it was also a very real moment. Sometimes real life is unattractive.

That empty shell of a person made it through that rather hellish day. I picked Kiddo up from the library and issued a tearful and heartfelt apology. He was so sweet and sincerely apologized for making my morning rougher than it had to be. We went to dinner and reconnected.

Mario got home on Friday night and I started to feel a little more normal. But the dam broke on Saturday and all that unresolved stress, guilt, shame, and self doubt resurfaced. He listened. Patiently. I'm not a crier in general, and Meltdown 2.0 went on for 30 minutes, so I think he was a bit afraid. He's a good guy.

In the end, you live and learn. Have I forgiven myself for losing it like that in front of my kid? Not completely. It wasn't my finest moment, sure, but it also doesn't make me a bad mom. Just a human. One who can be pushed to her limit by demanding professors, a grueling schedule, and a kiddo who couldn't step it up just because I needed him to. But most of all by the insurmountable standards I set for myself. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm a much better [mom/wife/student/fill-in-the-blank] when I don't try to be everything to everyone all the time.

So here I sit, unsatisfied with the mere 12 dozen cookies I made for tomorrow's school bake sale. I can definitely make 10 dozen more! I just got a late start because we had a meeting with the staff at Kiddo's school this morning. Followed by carpool duty. No biggie. Except none of this resembles a vacation. Or a break from the things that pushed me to the brink. Have I learned nothing? That's a mom for you. But a better, wiser one for having found the light at the end of the tunnel. Again.

1 comment :

  1. So sorry that you have had a rough time lately. You are a tough cookie though.


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