The moment you doubt whether you can fly,

Monday, December 9, 2013

you cease for ever to be able to do it.

J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Self doubt can be crippling, no doubt. 

Mario left on his money-making endeavors Friday evening. 
Which meant this weekend presented less study time than I would have liked. 
Late last week my nervousness shifted to I've got this
Yet here I am, the week of, and I'm doubting my ability to absorb enough information. 
Struggling to let the doubt roll off my back so that the hours I do have are effective. 
So I don't walk into the final with jangling nerves. 
It's so easy to go to that place
The one where the cost, the expectations, the pressure begin to block my chi in a big way. 
Where the fact that this class will be but a blip on my radar 5 years from now is forgotten.

Prior to beginning my marathon cram session, I went to CrossFit. 
I was expecting to really work. it. out. 
Instead of the usual Workout of the Day, it was lifting only. 
The goal: find my 1 rep max weight for the back squat, strict press, and deadlift. 
I was a bit baffled. 
Would I get what I need from this? 

Then a great thing happened: I amazed myself. 
My last deadlift attempt was 115 pounds. 
Today I knocked out 170. 
I've never attempted anything heavier than a 65 pound press. 
Today I topped 95. 
(We ran out of time for the deadlift... perhaps another day.)

I walked into the gym today with no assumptions. 
No finite numbers in mind.  
No doubt
And with that frame of mind, I did something I'd never done before. 
Most importantly, I got out of my own way
Too often in life I have a number (or grade) in mind. 
A must have or everything will crumble down around me attitude. 
How exhausting!

So come Wednesday I'm going to do my best. 
In the meantime, I'm going to absorb all the information I can. 
And that will have to be good enough. 
I'm going to actively dispose of those what if...? worst case scenario thoughts. 
Because all they serve to do is place limits on my abilities. 

Who needs that?


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