The moment you doubt whether you can fly,

you cease for ever to be able to do it.

J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

source

Self doubt can be crippling, no doubt. 

Mario left on his money-making endeavors Friday evening. 

Which meant this weekend presented less study time than I would have liked. 

Late last week my nervousness shifted to I've got this. 

Yet here I am, the week of, and I'm doubting my ability to absorb enough information. 

Struggling to let the doubt roll off my back so that the hours I do have are effective. 

So I don't walk into the final with jangling nerves. 

It's so easy to go to that place. 

The one where the cost, the expectations, the pressure begin to block my chi in a big way. 

Where the fact that this class will be but a blip on my radar 5 years from now is forgotten.

Prior to beginning my marathon cram session, I went to CrossFit. 

I was expecting to really work. it. out. 

Instead of the usual Workout of the Day, it was lifting only. 

The goal: find my 1 rep max weight for the back squat, strict press, and deadlift. 

I was a bit baffled. 

Would I get what I need from this? 

Then a great thing happened: I amazed myself. 

My last deadlift attempt was 115 pounds. 

Today I knocked out 170. 

I've never attempted anything heavier than a 65 pound press. 

Today I topped 95. 

(We ran out of time for the deadlift... perhaps another day.)

I walked into the gym today with no assumptions. 

No finite numbers in mind.  

No doubt. 

And with that frame of mind, I did something I'd never done before. 

Most importantly, I got out of my own way. 

Too often in life I have a number (or grade) in mind. 

A must have or everything will crumble down around me attitude. 

How exhausting!

So come Wednesday I'm going to do my best. 

In the meantime, I'm going to absorb all the information I can. 

And that will have to be good enough. 

I'm going to actively dispose of those what if...? worst case scenario thoughts. 

Because all they serve to do is place limits on my abilities. 

Who needs that?

source

The moment you doubt whether you can fly,

Monday, December 9, 2013

CALVIN: This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense.

Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery?
If the guy exists why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it?
And if he doesn't exist what's the meaning of all this?
HOBBES:  I dunno. Isn't this a religious holiday?
CALVIN:  Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God.

Bill Watterson

In the six years we had lived here, we had yet to attend the tree lighting ceremony in town. In our last year of living here, ironically, there have been a lot of firsts. People gather in Central Square, an island in middle of downtown. Citizens lost over the past year were remembered, The Polar Express was read, and Santa was ushered in on a fire truck, lights flashing. Finally, the tree that grows and thrives

  right on the edge of the square was lit.

My toes were frostbitten, but I didn't care. The kiddos were hosting a bake sale fundraiser for an upcoming trip to Washington D.C.,  and the overall spirit of the evening was contagious. In just an hour and a half they received almost $500 in donations. After the month-long hubbub about Black Friday, my faith in humanity was restored. 

I also took the opportunity to practice my night photography. Oh, and my favorite: the blurred Christmas lights shot. Mario gifted me this camera last Christmas, so this will be the first year where I can actually experiment with effects and lighting. I'm off to a good start, I think. 

After the tree lighting festivities wrapped up, we decided to try a new restaurant we recently discovered. They serve authentic Cuban and Venezuelan food in a cozy, intimate setting. It has a decidedly mod feel. The food was off the hook and the prices were not fancy at all. We spent almost two hours talking, playing word games, and taking a tapas approach to dinner. The yucca fries were amazing, but the Cuban coconut cake was off the hook. Holy moly. I'm finding a recipe pronto.

I don't regret for a second opting out of the Black Friday frenzy. We went to CrossFit and ended up staying for two hours. There were so many people we had to be broken up into three groups, hence the length of the session. We had a great time! Everyone was interacting and helping each other out. I've been struggling with how to integrate Mario into my CrossFit world, but yesterday went a long way toward helping me find a better head space. I challenged myself and he was there cheering me on and serving as my rep counter.

I like this quieter, calmer approach to the Christmas season. We've allowed it to come more organically which has served to remove a lot of the stress that has historically accompanied the season. And because we avoided having Christmas forced on us, genuine excitement has begun to build. When we got home Friday night, Mario proclaimed that, for him, the buzzing began the moment the town tree was lit and the crowd began to cheer. I imagine a bit of it will happen for me today as we hang decades worth of ornaments, each containing their own memory from years past. Once the semester comes to an end on December 11, I will be able to really focus on the joy this time of year can bring.

CALVIN: This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Happiness only real when shared.

Christopher McCandless

(the man behind Into the Woods)

A blissful Friday night. Spent with my boys. Oh, these boys. This rather worn out gal needed the weekend. So here I sit. Take-in-bake pizza and warm chocolate chip cookies. Ghostbusters. Warm, comfy clothes. Yes. Just yes.

 

Can we take a moment to talk about this kid? Gosh is he the bee's knees. For Halloween he dressed up as the 10th Doctor from Dr. Who. A wonderfully obscure choice, in my opinion. For those who aren't familiar, it's a looong running British television show and cult favorite. I grew up with a sci-fi-loving older brother, so I have more insight than most moms, I'm sure. Boy did he look handsome. 

This Kiddo is pretty amazing. I'm biased, sure, but also know it to be quite true.  

Once Upon a Time, a show that must be watched together and from the confines of my bed. Fine chocolate (the silver lining of a dairy allergy... only high quality chocolate in this house). This young man (and a feline friend). I don't want these moments to ever end. Never ever.

Last year we decided would be his last spent trick-or-treating. He's getting to that age. He can't eat 90% of his loot. It rains every year. He didn't seem to mind. I, however, began to feel nostalgic and sentimental the moment I dropped him off at school. It was one of those moments that socks you in the gut with the realization that your kiddo is getting older. The solution? A Halloween Edible Arrangement hand delivered mid-morning by yours truly. He enjoyed. He shared. I found a new tradition, perhaps.

I am also fairly convinced he's part monkey. Watching him scurry up a tree is truly something to behold. His talents are endless. Really. This week ushered in his newest endeavor: fencing lessons. Of course he's a natural. This is the kid who was skiing black diamonds after just three lessons. I'm in awe of this beautiful creature.

Speaking of beautiful creatures, this dude started his month-long stint as a work-from-home (only) business man. In the history of our marriage we haven't slept next to each other this many nights in row. Mario is a traveling man, that's for sure. (Insert Ricky Nelson song.) November is shaping up to be a good month, indeed.

Boy am I trying to soak up my morning walk to the college. Also, this week I came to the rather startling realization that a jacket is now necessary. I learned the hard way during a particularly chilly walk spent clinging to my latte like it was a life raft of warmth. 

After a particularly bummer week last week, breakthroughs again abounded at CrossFit. Yesterday's WOD (left) was a repeat from last month. It is hard. I shaved two minutes off my time. I'm not quite up to handstand pushups yet (HSPU), so I did straight pushups today. I've never been able to make it through pushup-heavy workouts without having to use my knees. Today I did all 55 reps... in a full military pushup position. This is huge, guys. I set a goal for myself and just did it. I can't raise my arms to change my shirt, but hey.

I've also made progress in the diet department. My sweet tooth has all but disappeared and we, as a family, have tried several new veggie-heavy meals. (Cauliflower rice? Who knew?) Every single one was a hit. Woot!

Sleep in! Rejoice in the wonder that is Saturday!

Happiness only real when shared.

Friday, November 1, 2013